Monday, May 29, 2006

About Me, Part 3

In my time of turmoil I thought I was the one making my marriage all wrong, when actually any relationship is a two-way street, both are at fault.

I left teaching in a public school setting to go teach in a charter school. It was there I was connected with so many people who appreciated/acknowledged me for who I am. Although I had my doubts about leaving a "comfortable" position and venturing into something with little backbone, there was definitely a reason. Relationships with people developed that led me to discovery. I reconnected my relationship with Jesus-I was reborn spiritually. Do Catholics even believe in that? I began attending a non-denominational church, volunteering in the children's ministry, and helping out with the missionaries. I believe God answered my prayers. I may not have wanted a divorce, but it is not about what I want, it is about what He wants. He gave me the strength, courage, and guidance I needed to live each day (BTW-He still does). The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I have conversed with Number Twelve on numerous ocasions that I believe the devil stole my marriage. Although we cannot answer the why questions right now, she believes that one day the truth will unfold.

So the first Sunday of each month I volunteer my time from 7:30-3:00 ministering to 4 & 5 year olds. Three services, 150 children, smiles, tears, and the utmost satisfaction.

My therapy still goes on. I haven't had any individual sessions in some time (I think I need to schedule one), yet the group of women that I meet with twice a month empower me even more. I can actually begin to call this group of women a group of friends. And the best thing about is that we all have so much in common. We appreciate honesty, truthfulness, and openness-most of which we never got with our marriages. None of us want to play any games. I will be hosting the first of our summer meetings and am so looking forward to it.

I must admit, my divorce definitely took a toll on me. The guilt, oh it is so hard to just go away. There are days when it just kills me inside. I can honestly say that almost one year later I am starting to feel renewed. I feel like me again. It takes an experience of any sort of stress in our lives to make changes. My mother's words of advice/wisdom after all these years is now starting to make sense. I have never felt stronger in my life.

I scrapbook for a hobby. I exercise. I eat my favorite foods. I have a drink every now and then. I blog. I budget my money. I am still the same person I was before all of this happened. I am stronger now, I see red flags sooner, I refuse to be manipulated.

14 comments:

Number Twelve said...

Your love, your laugh, your funny giggle, it makes me sad when its not there, and I know its because you're thinking, wondering, remembering.

You're stronger than you think, and I am SO glad you're starting to feel and discover that part of you.

Continued love and support,
All of us over here at The New House.

SJ said...

Things get better when you start making them better. I am happy that you are doing that and getting help from friends.

Sicilian said...

Fly girl. . . . divorce takes a perfectly normal person and makes them feel like a complete failure. It is now on my 3rd year after mine, and at my daughter's high school graduation. . . I saw him. For a moment . . . it hurt all over again. . . . a tear squeezed out of the corner of my eye. . . I pulled my emotions together. . . no words were ever exchanged. . . divorce changes your world. . . I am thankful for the love of friends, and the knowledge that God loves me no matter what has happened in my life.
Ciao

Lacey said...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Frema said...

Your entries about how you got to be where you are today are always so empowering. Keep on keepin' on. :)

Bar Bar A said...

Your story is a testimony of growth and learning and taking the high road. YOu could have easily fallen into deep despair after your divorce, but you turned around and started giving to others at church and trusting God with your job, etc. YOur an inpsiration to me!

Tiffanie said...

It's all about perception. And it sounds like you are perceiving all this in a positive way. Learning, growing.

Good for you.

luxlucisvita said...

I was also a part of a women's groupin our church. It made a lot of difference in my life...

You are a lovely butterfly...expanding her wings!...

beautiful post

kate said...

good for you for turning lemons into lemonade!

I wanted to put in a plug for the individual therapy thing. I think that the group stuff can be helpful for support and encouragment, but the individual sessions really help to link together patterns that YOU do that may or may not be healthy...

I say this having gone through both (still individually too) I am just now, almost a year after, able to focus on what was wrong with my childhood and with me as a person... what things I need to work on to move forward etc. I was to thick in the mourning process before to do this. The timing is good for me now. Just a thought!

Tab said...

Seeing red flags sooner is a bonus!
You seem to live a life filled with your desires and interests.Going through this divorce sounds like it has been very difficult for you on a lot of levels but after reading this you have still kept life intact and on track,I believe we are all right where we are meant to be for today and you Butterflygirl,
are meant to be expanding your wings I am sure:) Your little man has a great female role model.
Thanks for sharing ~

NWJR said...

Guilt is a very Christian thing...quite common among Catholics, Lutherans and non-denoms.

Here's the thing, though...if you believe in a forgiving God, and that you are a forgiven person, then why the guilt? It's arrogance to carry that guilt. If God has forgiven you, why can't you forgive yourself? Are you better than God?

:-)

Something to think about.

Eduardo said...

"I must admit, my divorce definitely took a toll on me. The guilt, oh it is so hard to just go away. There are days when it just kills me inside."

I don't know if it ever goes away... completely. I know the price is paid for whatever sins I have committed in my marriage, but some part of me thinks I should have held on, held on, held on.

There were days when I thought my divorce would kill me. I'm glad those days are gone.

butterflygirl said...

Guilt is a natural feeling in the flesh. It can be haunting.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

It's always nice to read about someone who has found balance in their life.
Thanks for sharing!