In my time of turmoil I thought I was the one making my marriage all wrong, when actually any relationship is a two-way street, both are at fault.
I left teaching in a public school setting to go teach in a charter school. It was there I was connected with so many people who appreciated/acknowledged me for who I am. Although I had my doubts about leaving a "comfortable" position and venturing into something with little backbone, there was definitely a reason. Relationships with people developed that led me to discovery. I reconnected my relationship with Jesus-I was reborn spiritually. Do Catholics even believe in that? I began attending a non-denominational church, volunteering in the children's ministry, and helping out with the missionaries. I believe God answered my prayers. I may not have wanted a divorce, but it is not about what I want, it is about what He wants. He gave me the strength, courage, and guidance I needed to live each day (BTW-He still does). The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I have conversed with Number Twelve on numerous ocasions that I believe the devil stole my marriage. Although we cannot answer the why questions right now, she believes that one day the truth will unfold.
So the first Sunday of each month I volunteer my time from 7:30-3:00 ministering to 4 & 5 year olds. Three services, 150 children, smiles, tears, and the utmost satisfaction.
My therapy still goes on. I haven't had any individual sessions in some time (I think I need to schedule one), yet the group of women that I meet with twice a month empower me even more. I can actually begin to call this group of women a group of friends. And the best thing about is that we all have so much in common. We appreciate honesty, truthfulness, and openness-most of which we never got with our marriages. None of us want to play any games. I will be hosting the first of our summer meetings and am so looking forward to it.
I must admit, my divorce definitely took a toll on me. The guilt, oh it is so hard to just go away. There are days when it just kills me inside. I can honestly say that almost one year later I am starting to feel renewed. I feel like me again. It takes an experience of any sort of stress in our lives to make changes. My mother's words of advice/wisdom after all these years is now starting to make sense. I have never felt stronger in my life.
I scrapbook for a hobby. I exercise. I eat my favorite foods. I have a drink every now and then. I blog. I budget my money. I am still the same person I was before all of this happened. I am stronger now, I see red flags sooner, I refuse to be manipulated.