After attending a function with my son and ex-husband, I was able to gain insight on how I feel about him. Him being the man I married at the young age of twenty-three thinking this was my soul mate. I knew he was the one for me. I had the deepest love for him. Honestly, he gave me everything, he treated me as his queen.
Since the separation as well as the divorce and through all my therapy, I as well as those who have tried and continue to try to counsel me, have never been able to pinpoint the time when the marriage began to fall apart. As well as to the timing, none of us have been able to find an "exact" reason. (Yes, there are many, however I have tried to recount the beginning of the breakdown.) At this point in my life I am okay with that. And that leads me to how I began this post. Ironically, it was before I watched an episode of Oprah.
I know it took a great deal for him to attend a function with our son and to be in the presence of me. He of course tried to be the "gentleman" and offer to buy me items from the concessions, however I declined. I got what I wanted with my money. We sat almost in complete silence with our son between the two of us. I asked him two questions about medical bills-which of course-he had no idea. The whole experience was probably more hurtful to our son than it was to me. Our son wanted me to go home with them. My little man had the tears. The tears of a child who wants his mom and dad together. Our son wants the family. I want the family too, however not with that man. I was able to see what Berta has been saying.
It took this experience for me to acknowledge that I am no longer in a love with this man. This is not the man I fell in love with. I feel sorry for him. I see no happiness in him. I see a hole within him. I see a person who is lost, dazed, and confused. In our relationship I complimented him in every way he complimented me.
I believe that the enemy did come and steal my joy and love from me. He only stole it for a short time. He may have taken it away by destroying someone who had completed me, but through the strength and guidance of the Almighty I am able to feel joy and love in my life.