Sunday, April 30, 2006


After attending a function with my son and ex-husband, I was able to gain insight on how I feel about him. Him being the man I married at the young age of twenty-three thinking this was my soul mate. I knew he was the one for me. I had the deepest love for him. Honestly, he gave me everything, he treated me as his queen.

Since the separation as well as the divorce and through all my therapy, I as well as those who have tried and continue to try to counsel me, have never been able to pinpoint the time when the marriage began to fall apart. As well as to the timing, none of us have been able to find an "exact" reason. (Yes, there are many, however I have tried to recount the beginning of the breakdown.) At this point in my life I am okay with that. And that leads me to how I began this post. Ironically, it was before I watched an episode of Oprah.

I know it took a great deal for him to attend a function with our son and to be in the presence of me. He of course tried to be the "gentleman" and offer to buy me items from the concessions, however I declined. I got what I wanted with my money. We sat almost in complete silence with our son between the two of us. I asked him two questions about medical bills-which of course-he had no idea. The whole experience was probably more hurtful to our son than it was to me. Our son wanted me to go home with them. My little man had the tears. The tears of a child who wants his mom and dad together. Our son wants the family. I want the family too, however not with that man. I was able to see what Berta has been saying.

It took this experience for me to acknowledge that I am no longer in a love with this man. This is not the man I fell in love with. I feel sorry for him. I see no happiness in him. I see a hole within him. I see a person who is lost, dazed, and confused. In our relationship I complimented him in every way he complimented me.

I believe that the enemy did come and steal my joy and love from me. He only stole it for a short time. He may have taken it away by destroying someone who had completed me, but through the strength and guidance of the Almighty I am able to feel joy and love in my life.


Da Gal said...


I am glad to see you letting this out. There's more room out than there is in. Keep on taking care of you - sometimes the reasons why are not as important to figure out as we think they are.

Frema said...

I've never been married before, but I've had some seriously messed up relationships, and for me, they were always messed up--nothing happened overnight to change their behavior or even their treatment towards me. When we finally broke up, it was because of one little action that seemed to culminate every other little action that either hurt my feelings or bruised my ego.

Good for you for knowing yourself so well and finding happiness with yourself. Not everyone can say that, married or not.

Number Twelve said...

O. M. G. -- I've been wanting, waiting... to read/hear/see this from you, honey. You're beginning to be "on the other side" of the separation... the divorice. You're calm. You're focused. You're walking with faith.

My God, how hard of a road this has been for you to travel, I have perhaps a fraction of a clue. But I knew you would get beyond the hurt and the pain. And, perhaps, someday... forgive.

Love you Butterflygirl!

Oh, and, second that, Frema!

Lacey said...

I'm glad you are letting this all out! Sounds like you are on the right path.

LZ Blogger said...

Very insightful! Sounds like you've grown though this all!

Tab said...

You are a wonderful Mother who will help her little man understand the differences between you and your ex eventually.In the meantime, you are doing your best to keep family connections .
You have a strong will and loving spirit to share , Thank you :)
You really do kick ass in a sort of soft and suttle kind of butterfly spreading her wings way!
Thanks for sharing~

Sober Chick said...

Even though many parts of this experience is difficult, you have accepted many parts of it. You are setting your soul free, and your Little Man gets to be parented by this, by the essence of you.

kate said...

It is always sad for a child to go through this(I did), but they are stronger than you think and it is all a life lesson isnt it. It is also important to see a functional relationship and it sounds like yours with your spouse was not. Keep sharing. It really does help the process to write through your thoughts and process. Not only does it help you, but people touched by you!

cheers! Kate

DayByDay4-2Day said...

Being so honest with yourself is the best way to heal. Thank you for sharing.


butterflygirl said...

I just love all of my blogger buddies. Writing all of this definitely is therapeutic.

Sambo V. said...

What a powerful thing to share with us. Thank you. I'm so happy for you that you are working through things so well. God's help is always the best and you seem to know that.