Thankful

After the last two days I have had at work, I am just thankful for...

• my little man,
• my parents, and
• my friends.

To know and think how some people live and conduct their lives is extremely scary.

Is It Really Possible?

Is it really possible to fall in love again?

To trust that the other is not committing a sin.

Is it really possible to communicate in good times and bad?

To resolve conflict and compromise so that I am not sad.

Is it really possible that someone will be honest with me?

To be open and truthful to even be free.

Is it really possible to be loyal every day?

To be appreciated and loved, putting selfishness away.

Is it really possible to be loved by such a man?

To hear those words with kisses and touches, not afraid of who I am.

Yes Dad, I Have a Blog

Forty-six blog posts later and I just told my dad, not my mom, that I have a blog. I told him that I hadn't shared this with him yet as I wasn't quite sure if I wanted him to read it. After what I posted yesterday, I still have to wait until I'm ready to share this with him.

We did have a great conversation tonight that included:

• what is going on with the child support,
• taxes,
• my job,
• my little man,
• church/religion,
• e-Harmony,
• the external hard drive of mine that he put pictures on, and
• my blog.

I eased my father's mind that what I post here is appropriate. I also let him know that Number Twelve got me started. I told him that I was surprised he knew what a blog was. I guess when you are retired, listen to talk radio, and read the paper daily you have all the time on your hands.

Embarrassed

I am so embarrassed of what I have done. I have already spoken about it to Number Twelve . So here it goes.

During the open communicaion stage at e-Harmony there are open-ended questions that you choose your match to answer. I was given the following question:

How would you spend a romantic evening with someone you have been dating for more than one year?

Here is how I responded...

This is a hard one for me...I have been officially divorced since June of 2005 and I was married for nine years and to be honest, I haven't dated anyone. So let's see how good I can answer this one... Getting dressed up (sexy undergarments underneath of course), making sure that I am making eye contact or any other type of body language that makes my date quiver. We have a nice, quiet, slow-paced dinner in a dim setting. Afterwards, depending on the time of year, we could take a walk on the beach, near the lake, or at the park. Holding hands and reminicsing over the past year. If the weather is cold we could cuddle up at home while listening to soft music and reminisce. How am I doing?

I can't believe I sent this to him and I can't believe I am sharing it in blogworld. Am I a freak? What would you have written?

Can I Play Outside?

On my tricycle for which I am getting too big.
Can I get a big boy bike?
My Spiderman scooter.
I am too cute.

I actually left work earlier than normal today and was finally able to let my little man play outside. The two of us played football too. We can't wait until Spring!

Personality Profile

This was taken from BarefootCajun.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Hmmm, is it me?

3rd Times a Charm

This is the third post that I am trying to write today. I am trying to figure some things out right now. Februray is just a horrible month for me. Yes, it has Valentine's Day and my birthday. Yes, it is only 28 days long, 29 in a leap year. But it just sucks. My depression is probably at its lowest it has been in quite some time. There are still too many memories for me not forget at this early stage in my freedom. Don't get me wrong, I am strong, but there is just too much that is lingering.

Happy Day

Today was my little man's last game for the basketball season. As always he played well. Usually on the last game of the season the kids get trophies, however in honor of the Olympics, they were given medals. It was too cool!

Although it is not "my" weekend with my son I was able to spend the day with him today because it was my birthday. I asked my little man where he wanted to go eat for lunch and what movie he wanted to see. He chose to go eat at Cracker Barrel and to go see Curious George.

Oh how he loves to go eat at Cracker Barrel. That is usually a stop after church, however we haven't gone there in quite some time due to $. After putting his name in, first things first, he picked out his toy, an airplane. After being seated, and he actually sat next to me today, he played that peg game. We then did the seek and find in his menu and I then colored his menu as he played with his airplane. He had his usual two pancakes with bacon. Since it was lunch time I actually ordered something off the dinner menu-chicken and rice. Off to the movies.

We arrived at the movie theatre about 45 minutes early. For some reason I must have gotten the time mixed up in my head. He sat so patiently waiting for the movie to begin. We munched on popcorn, yes we had popcorn after just eating lunch, and just talked. I just love talking with him. I want him to know how important it is to communicate.

After the show we headed over to PetSmart. My little man really wants a pet in his "new" home. I left the cat at his dad's house when we moved out. I go back and forth with getting an animal. Part of me wants a cat or a dog, then I don't want either. Luckily we arrived at the end of the adoption time of cats. There were two I could have adopted, but didn't. We looked at the fish, birds, hamsters, and watched a dog get groomed. We then bought a ball for my mom's dog. I am now asking myself why.

Next we headed over to Hobby Lobby. I love walking around that store. After going up and down the scrapbooking aisles a dozen times I chose not to buy anything. I have enough at home that I still need to do.

My little man asked to go to Toys R Us. I told him he was not getting anything. He said okay. He was so good looking around the store and saying maybe he could get this or that another time. Then I, I repeat, I found some Star Wars figures that we have not seen since before Christmas. I, I repeat, I was the one who picked out a figure for my little man to get. I have been on e-bay looking for these. Had it not been for those figures we would have made it out of the store without a bag.

Then I did the boldest thing I have done since June 30, 2005. I took my little man to my old house. His father and I usually meet at a neutral place and I am happy with that. There are too many "other" things on that street. I figured I could do it, it was dark, I might as well go for it.

A happy day it was. My little man made my day happy. Funny thing he got to do all the choosing, picking, and getting today.

FYI...I had pictures, yet I am having trouble with my card. Will post at a later date.

Show Me the Money

Back in August of last year I knew I was shorted for two child support payments, which was also the same time it was first being garnished from my ex-husband's check. Prior to that he was paying me weekly with a money order. As the months went on and payments became inconsistent I "tried" to talk with my ex. His reply was that it was being taken out of his check and that is that. I told him that I didn't really want to get attorneys involved, but guess what? I had to.

When I made a payment to my attorney in December (yes, I have a new balance now after the divorce) and showed him the history of payments I have received so we sat down. Basically, I have not received at least 6 weeks worth of support. He took care of it so well by writing my ex's attorney a letter and saying that if I did not receive the amount by February 15, 2005 we would be filing a petition in court. Apparently court is the way we are going.

The lack of care or concern the father of my little man has that I have not received money to take care of his child makes me sick. It's all good though, he still has:

• his house (the one we chose together),
• his 2001 Avalanche,
• his namebrand shoes and clothes, and
• whatever or whomever else he has to "maintain" that causes him to struggle.

He just needs to deal with it. This was the choice he made.

This is also the same man who:

• doesn't help me pay for pre-school because he doesn't think his son needs it,
• criticizes me that his son looks "scruffy", and
• won't let his son go to events that fall on "his weekend".

So tell me, where could it be? He says he doesn't know because it has been taken out of his check. That's his proof. We'll see what the judge says. And yes, I am requesting that my attorney fees be paid.

e-Harmony

This posting is dedicated to Auntie Betty.

All my life I have always had some man in my life. During my high school years I dated two guys very seriously. Then I met my ex-husband and I thought I was done with dating forever. Wrong.

Ten years after being married, now being in my thirties, and having a four year-old child where do I start? Do I even want to start? I'm actually pretty content with the way things are now, at least that is what I tell myself. It's difficult to meet people these days. There's too much to worry about. Am I suppose to be asking a 100 questions before "anything" happens?

Joining e-Harmony was a difficult decision for me to make due to the cost. However my feeling was that if other people are in the same boat as I am then they too are making an investment. Does that make sense?

Here are my stats thus far:

During the five months that I have subscribed to e-Harmony, I have been matched with a total of 133 men. Of the 133 matches , 103 of have been closed by myself or the other party for a variety of reasons such as distance, chemistry, and family backgrounds. Believe it or not, some men in Chicago closed the match due to distance. Little do they know that jumping on the skyway I can be there in 35-45 minutes or vice versa...oh well...their loss.

Of my 30 on-going matches, I am communicating with 15. Communication is a four stage process. Depending how often matches log onto their account and answer questions and so forth it can be a couple of weeks before the stage of open communication begins, if it even gets that far.

Currently I have 9 matches on hold which means they are not entirely closed. I put several on hold due to no pictures being posted. Others put me on hold for reasons as taking a break but would like to communicate at a later date. Hey guys...I'm still here.

Finally I have 6 matches that are still considered new. I have not decided what route to go with them yet and apparently they have not decided either.

My life with a man is in God's hands. So whatever happens on e-Harmony happens. There was a reason why I subscribed, it's the waiting that's the hard part.

Open House at Pre-School

The morning of today had been planned for a few weeks now as I was taking a half-day as personal business so I could attend an open house at my little man's pre-school. I did attend open house, however the afternoon was taken off for illness as I went to the doctor knowing once again I had a sinus infection.

Although pre-school doesn't start until 9:00, it took everything from me to drag myself out of bed by 7:30 so I could shower and look better than what I felt. So here I am not really knowing any of the moms since they are all SAHM's and take part in class all the time. As it is I am not feeling well, it's the day after Valentine's Day, and my birthday is just a few days away. Give me a break. Should I be feeling guilty? Yes. No. Maybe. No. No. No. Regardless, I had to tell myself if I was married, I would still be working. I love my job and I get to be a SAHM in the summer.

My little man shows me around and we play some games, do some puzzles, and color. I talk with his teachers, who were glad to see I took time off, and they tell me how well my son is doing. I am rest assured that he is:

• doing great,
• is smart,
• listens, and
• takes part in discussions (usually the only one).

Of course that is everything I want to hear from the teachers. I am just glad once more that he was able to take part in the summer camp and was able to establish a good rapport with the same teachers prior to pre-school starting. I let the teachers know that I see:

• an increase in vocabulary,
• a desire to read and write,
• use of problem solving skills, and
• of course, progress.

Clean-up time comes first and they all do so well. I have to admit how impressed I was. Next it is time to say the Pledge of Allegiance, do calendar, and sing some songs. Show and share time followed. Ooops, forgot about that. Luckily, there are enough toys in my car to show and share for two weeks. I definitely do not have the patience to sit with fifteen three to four year-olds during a show and share time. No wonder it is only done once a month!

Showing and sharing Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Time for a restroom break and I was told by my little man that I needed to be in the girls' line. They were reminded to wash their hands as they were eating snacks next. All the kids sat at the tables hands folded and said grace:

"God is great. God is good. Let us thank Him for our food. Amen."

I chatted with some parents and got the thumbs up that my son is a good boy along with other positive comments. What else were they suppose to say?

It's story time and then swimming. I originally knew we weren't going to participate in swimming because I needed to get to school, but now instead I needed to get to the doctor. Before leaving we check out a book for the literacy program. 11:00 pre-school is over!

Not to take away from the title of this post, but FYI...I was prescribed a Z-pac and hope to be feeling better real soon.

Valentine's Day

I wake up my little man this morning wishing him a Happy Valentine's Day. It took at least 100 more wishes along with kisses and tickles to get him up out of bed. This will be a good day, I think.

After stepping on numerous pink, white, and red sprinkles on the kitchen floor we head out the door rushing as usual. I debated going to work at all due to how I was feeling. Once again having no voice, yet having energy.

Arriving at school I have a gift of chocolates, which come in handy hours later, from my colleague. I then feel totally guilty because I didn't get her a thing, nor a few others, plus I didn't even get or make cards. This is bad, I'm slacking.

After debating with a student about taking his seizure medicine, which he desperately needs and won't take, I was fortunate to see a girlfriend from church in the office. She came to bring me a rose and a card for this "love" holiday--how sweet and what perfect timing. My day has been made, so I think.

After a mishap with a procedure that I did not follow for a conference, which I did not intentionally not follow, all hell broke loose. So there went the day, there went the love, there went the chocolates, there went I have busted my ass, and all for what? So after basically having a meltdown, with tears I might add, I get myself together and go on with the day mentally drained. All I want is my little man so that I can feel appreciated and loved.

I needed to conduct remediation after school for some students, I leave late because I am waiting for a student to be picked up, so I don't make it to my aerobics class. My little man runs out the door from Tinkerbell's, hands me a handsome card with his picture on it, and off to basketball practice we go. Next is the library for story hour, which I enjoy being "entertained".

Having my little man one on one, we go to Schoop's for our Valentine's dinner. Not in the budget, however I needed something for this day. And I have to say this was the most priceless dinner I have had. To order our meal and for my son to say, "Remember you were telling me Happy Valentine's Day to me while I was in bed?...Thanks for bringing me here mom." He holds up his cup and says, "Cheers!"

We come home and I have a card at our door from Number Twelve's girls. I got the one with the raised-dots-isn't it so pretty!

That was my Valentine's Day. My little man was all I needed. A big thank you to all my girls who took care of me on this "love" holiday. I love you all.

Survived Monday

I started the day with...

• no voice,
• a son who said I couldn't drive because I was sick (that was the excuse I gave him yesterday since we didn't leave the house), and
• dreading today as I had to stay at school until 6:30 due to parent conferences.

God willing I felt better as the day went on. I'm sure the Theraflu helped a little. Now I just need to make it through the rest of the week-yikes!

After coming home from a slow night of conferences, I think I had 5 parents show up, my little man and I made cupcakes to take to Tinkerbell's tomorrow. Hopefully they taste okay, as I miscounted on the eggs. When it was time to frost and decorate them, my little man's job was to put on the sprinkles. I forgot to tell him just on the cupcakes. I guess he figured I still needed to vacuum so getting them on the floor wouldn't matter. Bless his little heart. They may be a little over-sprinkled, but they were done with such love.


Sprinkled with love!

I went through my little man's bag of Valentine's from school. Not many of the kids wrote their names on their own Valentine's. I know they are small to write on, but...nevermind. It figures that the one my little man gave himself was not in his bag. That was the only one he cared about-it was Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars).

I ended the day with...

• a voice,
• meeting a person who blogs,
• making cupcakes for Tinkerbell's
• checking e-Harmony, and
• blogging.

In Bed

It has been a weekend in bed for me. Waking up Saturday morning to that itchy, scratchy throat I survived my little man's basketball game as well as a trip to Wal-Mart. We have stayed in the whole weekend ever since our short adventure. I finally went for the Theraflu today since I realized yesterday was not a fluke.

All of my little man's Valentine's are done. He complained after writing his name 15 times and those were just for his school. After our nap he wrote his name another 15 or so times for his friends at Tinkerbell's. I have to give the boy credit, he has been good today while I have had myself in bed. He was mad that we didn't go to church or to Granny's house. Granny will be picking him up tomorrow from Tink's, but that wasn't good enough for him.

Hope to be back to myself soon...

Observed

My thoughts are with Frema's comment not spare any of the school stuff that went on yesterday. All I can say Frema my girl, is that there is never a dull moment in my day. There are days when I don't get my planning period, my lunch, or even a break to go potty.

I was observed by my supervisor today. Yes, observed. Although I have worked for the same district for six years, they classify me as semi-permanent status because I left for one year and came back. The good thing, or some might say, the bad thing about teaching special ed is that you never know how the students are going to act. My students know who my supervisor is, they know how to behave, and they of course knew she was going to be there today. And boy, were a few of them off the wall. One student told me he acted out because he opened the door for her and she didn't even say thank you. Well thank you I told him for acting the way he did while she was here. So, in otherwords, it went better than a normal day. I can't wait to see what she wrote.

A Better Day

Life is definitely better today. I barely even remember what I wrote yesterday. All I know is that I went to bed and was up five hours later not being able to go back to sleep. I was just elated to the fact that my migraine was gone-thank God.

My little man had basketball practice today as I had aerobics. Thanks mom for getting me new shoes, it made a difference. After our acitivities at the YMCA, my little man and I went to the library where they had pre-school hour. I was always envious when they did those other story hours for the toddler children because they were during the day and I worked. Thanks to a mom from basketball, she invited us and we had a great time. All the pre-schoolers listened to stories, sang songs, and made a craft. It was hard to leave because of course my little man wanted a movie and book, yet my library card was not in my wallet. Maybe I'll find it by next Tuesday.

I spared all of you the school stuff. Have a wacky Wednesday!

Monday, Monday

I didn't sleep well last night. My migraine continued on and is still here as I type. I look forward to being in bed within the next hour. The beginning of the work week seemed to just drag by. I made sure I was out of the school building by 3:00, which is very unlike me. My little man was even surprised to see me earlier than usual.

I got an e-mail from an administrator I use to work with. It actually made me feel good that he was checking in to see how things were going. I made my trip to Sam's as well as to Kohl's. Let's hope this is a good week. I can feel myself getting emotional/withdrawn with Valentine's Day as well as my birthday coming up.

Weekend Accomplishments

How did I do on my weekend list?

1. The upstairs loft did cleared out for the desk and filing cabinet my parents brought over. I was also fortunate to get my mother's old vanity as well.
2. I definitely caught up with Number Twelve, it was great as always.
3. Watched my movie from Blockbuster, as well as one on HBO.
4. DVR-I was caught up with Desperate Housewives, watched three episodes of Oprah, and watched one show of The View.
5. Underarms have been waxed again.
6. Enjoyed seeing my little man play basketball. He is so awesome!
7. Clifford didn't happen.
8. Started to re-organize my house after my parents came over.
9. Didn't make it to Sam's-planning for Monday.
10. Didn't make it to Kohl's or Target either-possibly Monday.
11. Blog-only read others.
12. Lesson plans-complete.
13. Blog-nope.
14. Scrapbook-not.
15. Blog-only right now, Sunday night.
16. Didn't make it to church-totally unlike me. I woke up with a migraine although my blood pressure was fine. I ended up sleeping all day until 4:00 pm. I must have needed it.
17. Laundry-just about done.
18. Picked up my little man. I let him stay an extra hour with his dad so they could watch half of the Super Bowl.

Weekend List

Things to accomplish this weekend:

1. Clean upstairs loft for desk and filing cabinet parents are bringing over Saturday morning. (They got a new one for themselves, lucky me)
2. Catch-up with Number Twelve.
3. Watch my movie from Blockbuster rented last Saturday.
4. Go through my DVR and fill myself in on Desperate Housewives, Oprah, and The View.
5. Get my underarms waxed Saturday morning.
6. See my little man play basketball. Want to go Tinkerbell?
7. Possibly see Clifford in concert.
8. Re-organize my home after my parents come over.
9. Go to Sam's to buy snacks that I sell at school.
10. Return some things to Kohl's and Target.
11. Blog
12. Complete lesson plans.
13. Blog
14. Scrapbook
15. Blog
16. Go to church.
17. Do laundry.
18. Pick up my little man.

Teaching

In high school I wanted to be a physical therapist or a sports trainer for some NFL team. Obviously that was not the route I took. While attending a local university I turned my gears towards teaching. My first year of college was void due to my change in plans. I decided that I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. There was no way I was going to be able to handle secondary students, probably because my brother fell into that category. I graduated with a Bachelors Degree in Science in Elementary Education as well as a minor in English as a Second Language.

After graduation I had trouble finding a job due to the fact I still needed to pass one of the sections from the National Teacher's Exam. I ended up working in a school district for a year and a half as a English as Second Language Instructor. Being in a school system really pushed me to take the exam again, in which I passed. When I applied for a teacher paid position I was blackballed by my administrator who was upset I was making gains for myself not herself. Moving on, that summer I applied in districts, had an interview and somehow I was offered a position in Special Education-something I did not have on my license, nor did I ever want on my license. Yet, with me wanting a job, something that paid, had benefits, and was close to home, I accepted. I taught on a limited license as I pursued my minor in special education and loved every minute of it.

I have taught special education for five years at the elementary level and the past two at the high school level. The burn out rate for special education teachers is usually five years. I'm still in it, however I'm usually ready to quit by the last quarter of school. I love what I do and I enjoy the students I work with. My tolerance for any type of dysFUNctional child is extremely high. As a special education teacher I endure more challenges with general education teachers than I do with students. I often wonder why we just can't all get along.

As I continue to decide what my next move in my career is, I had to reflect on how my current career came about. Then I realized, it's amazing to see how God's plan turns out and continues to manifest.

It's February

I cannot believe the first month of 2006 has passed. Since January 1st I have:

• been to the University of Chicago twice,
• had a stress test,
• gotten my underarms waxed,
• been hit in the back of the head by a student,
• endured finals for the first semester,
• become addicted to blogging,
• not scrapbooked
• put up window treatments in my bedroom and living room,
• changed my eating habits,
• excercised at least four days a week
• lost 5.5 pounds,
• started taking blood pressure medicine, and
• dealt with the mother f***er.

It is February 1st and only...

• 17 more days until my birthday,
• 7 weeks until spring break
• 4 months left until summer vacation,
• 14 days before I petition to the court that my ex-husband owes at least five weeks of child support,
• 2 months to lose more weight before going back to the cardiologist,
• 7 months until my little man's birthday,
• 11 months and it'll be Christmas